The universe did not begin with a bang.
The bang was only the lighter.
In this sober, scholarly, and entirely irresponsible monograph, Dr Tobias M. Crewe presents the Cosmogenic Bong Smoker Hypothesis: a bold alternative to conventional cosmology in which the observable universe is reinterpreted not as the debris field of a primordial explosion, but as the exhaled plume of an immense trans-dimensional respiratory event.
Redshift becomes exhalation distance. Dark matter becomes chamber residue. Dark energy becomes residual breath pressure. Black holes become intake valves. The cosmic microwave background becomes thermal blush. The Andromeda Galaxy, inconveniently approaching the Milky Way, is revealed as evidence of incomplete chamber clearance.
Written in the form of a mock-scientific cosmological treatise, The Big Bong is a philosophical satire about science, metaphor, theology, academic seriousness, and humanity's habit of mistaking elegant models for reality.
For readers who enjoy deadpan absurdism, fake scholarship, cosmic jokes delivered with a straight face, and books that ask whether the universe has been poorly smoked.
